I wrote comical monologue for our first show and it has been an audience pleaser ever since. I’m an advertising copywriter, and one of my clients at the time was a plastic surgeon in Scottsdale, AZ. He wanted to start advertising Vaginal Rejuvenation and they asked me to write the copy. Being the advertising whore that I am, I agreed. But I kept my sanity by writing this piece of satire. The cool thing is,  several plastic surgeon blogs have embedded this video into their posts, so I feel like we’re onto something good.

While men can be blamed for advent of fake breasts, liposuction and facelifts, when it comes to vaginal beauty, I think we can safely say we’re off the hook on this one. I don’t know of any men who has ever rejected a woman because her vagina didn’t look right. There is so much to be insecure about, but how you vagina looks should not be one of them. And if you’re with a man who is critical of that, well, he’s probably critical of much worse and should be kicked to the curb. For the video clip of this, go to www.TheMENding.org and watch it on the home page. Keep reading the Price List for how much each of these procedures costs.

Dr. Vaginski

Written by Derek Dujardin and performed by Brad Luky

(Delivered in a heavy Russian accent. While Dr. Vaginski is completely fictional, the “cosmetic gynecology” field is all to real and gaining momentum. This satirical piece points fun at the trend and brings awareness to the underlying issue of poor body image, and ultimately the violence that women inflict on themselves.)

“My name be Dr. Borris Vaginski. I be famous cosmetic surgeon who help women be feeling better about their themselves through multiple operations.

Even though I be Russian, I was trained in United States. There be no need for cosmetic surgery in Russia. All Russians be beautiful!

Let Borris tell you a secret. Brittney Spears is my most well-known patient. She be calling me last week frantic. Yelling and crying “My baby fat, my baby fat!”  I tell her to come to my office. The next day, she’s holding up her baby and saying, “Look, my baby, she’s fat!” I tell her babies are supposed to be a little chubby. She not be listening. She want me to performing the very first baby liposuction.

I, of course, refuse.

It be opinion that perhaps cosmetic surgery has gone a little too far. And I’m one to talk. Once we tummy tuck, face-lift, liposuck, breast implant, ass tighten, collagen the lips, rihnoplasty the nose, elevate the cheeks, widen the eyes, cutaway the double chin, veneer the teeth, you would think there would be nothing left to fix?

But no: Women be coming to me saying they don’t like the way their vaginas look. This be true. I say, well what are they suppose to looking like? They be pointing at a Playmate centerfold and saying, I want my mine to look hers. I be telling them her vagina probably be airbrushed. And besides what be so special about hers, anyway?

But they argue with me, saying their inner lips be slightly-too-much larger than their the outer lips. Picky. Picky. Picky. I be honest and tell them: “Stop shaving, grow some hair like Russian and nobody even notice.”  (PAUSE) Unless of course we lazer’d it all off already!

But they insist. So I reduce the size of labia by using lasers to burn away tissue, or I can inject fat into one side to make it visually balanced. Sometimes I do both.

Of course, that be not enough. Then they be telling me that their labium not be the right color. It be too dark. So, what be the answer? Bleaching. Using a combination of bleaching and de-pigmentation, I can change it to be a light pink. Unfortunately, these products be contain hydroquinone and methylparaben, suspected carcinogens banned in France and the UK, but don’t worry, its legal here.

It be insane! Now I’d like to prove how insane.

I would like to be seeing the hands of all the gentlemen… and ladies who have ever made love to a woman. Keep them up until I tell you to put them down, okay? Not all the hands are up! It look like we have a few men who be virgin or gay in our audience, no worries.

Now let me ask you question. Keep your hands up if you have ever rejected a woman because you thought her vagina wasn’t proportional, aesthetically pleasing, or too dark?

(All hands go down.)

Look around. You be seeing any hands up? No, that be because nobody cares how a vagina be looking. Most guys just be happy to be see it, yes?

But I be warning you. Simply by hearing this discussion, some of you may wonder if your vagina be less than perfect. Five minutes ago, the thought never be crossing your mind. You be hearing other women doing this and you might think, even for a half a second, what if I not be normal?

Tonight when you go home you may even grab a hand mirror and take peek. You may notice an asymmetry that you haven’t noticed before. If you do, you may be wanting to ask yourself: Why do you care, why does it matter? What makes you feel like rejecting yourself the way you are?

Only you and your lover be seeing it. And if your lover judges you on how your vagina looks, maybe you should be get a new lover, not a new lover.

Rusbidonya I be Dr. Boris Vaginski.

Price List

Written by Derek Dujardin

(Immediately follows Dr. Vaginsky)

Here is the interesting addendum to the last piece. All of these designer vagina laser operations were pioneered and patented by one man: Dr. Robert Rey, also known as Dr. 90210, (aka Darth Vader). He has his own TV show called “Dr. 90210.” He is essentially selling this vaginal idea of beauty to women— on TV. Get this: every time one of his patented laser surgeries is performed anywhere in the world, he gets a kick back. By the way, if you’re curious, here is what is available and what it costs:

Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation. You can tighten your vagina by burning away loose tissue with a laser. This will cost anywhere from $7000 to $9000 dollars.

Laser Hymenplasty. Ever wanted to be 40-year old virgin? Now you can! Have your hymen resurrected for a mere $4000!

Laser Reduction of the labia minora starts at $7000 and goes up to as much as $15,000.

Ever wanted to see what you vagina would look like as a strawberry blonde? Vaginal bleaching will only cost you $2000.

And, here is the newest craze: G-spot Amplification. They can now inject collagen around the bundle of nerves know as the G-spot. Ninety-five percent of the women who have it done report easier arousal, more intense orgasms and many more of them. However, it only lasts for four months, and then you need to come back for another shot. So, it’s addicting, like coffee or crack. Each shot will cost you $1900 per visit. (In a stage whisper: Let’s hope the price comes down on this one!)

If you did the works, Vaginal Rejuvenation with a Hymenplasty and Labia reduction, along with one-years worth of G-spot amplification injections…

(Taking out a calculator and tapping away at a few keys mumbling. Rejuvenation, Labia, Hymen, G-spot, Bleaching)

Whoa…one woman could easily spend up to $35,000 on her vagina. About the same as it costs to run a free medical clinic in third-world country for one year.

And we wonder why some countries hate us?