Tantra. And how it kicked my ass…

I wrote this piece for our very first show three years ago and some of the other guys said it wasn’t appropriate. So, I chickened out and didn’t do it, even though it was my favorite piece. Later, in a different show, I did this piece and I had several women come to me with tears in their eyes saying it was beautiful. (Note to self, trust your gut, Derek). Once I posted it on our web site at The MENding Monologues, it quickly became the most requested and most frequently performed piece by third-party groups, mostly by women’s groups trying to raise consciousness of men around sexuality and violence. This piece sums it up pretty damn well.

TANTRA. Written, lived and performed Derek Dujardin

Tonight, I’m going to tell you all about my sex life.


This will take about six and half minutes.

Two years ago, I broke up with my girlfriend. We were together almost seven years and I loved her very much. Sex wasn’t a problem for us. In fact, it was probably one of the things that keep us together for so long. But ultimately, our relationship wasn’t sustainable. We broke up.

Her first rebound after we broke up was with some guy who was a Tantric master. He takes her to heights of sexual ecstasy.

How do I know this? Well, my ex and I get back together for a sleepover, and I will tell you, she’s a completely different woman. And I ask her, what happened to you? And she says: (breathy, three heavy breathes, then) “Tantra. Did you know that the vulva can be stimulated from ten different directions?”

No, I didn’t know that. (Clear throat, cover crotch)

As funny as that is now, at the time, I was crushed. Because I wanted to be the guy who opened her that way. Not someone she had just met. After that, my sexual confidence just cratered.

That was first time Tantra kicked my ass. And it wouldn’t be the last.

And men, you might want to listen up because Tantra may be looking to kick your ass too.

So, a few months later, I meet this beautiful flight attendant in Seattle. She actually picks on me and asks me out to dinner. We date for about a month. Let’s just say my confidence gets restored.

Then she invites me to take a week long Tantra course with her in Hawaii. But here’s the catch: She needs a commitment first.

I tell her the truth; I just broke with someone who I was with for seven years. I can’t rush into another relationship. She says “Fine, I’ll take the class by myself. Hmp!”

Well, she’s not by herself for very long. At the class she meets a fellow student and they practice tantra— on each other—for like five days straight. I innocently call her up and ask “how are you enjoying your tantra class, honey?” And she says: “Exalted. The best sex I ever had. Met a German man named Hogart, I’m moving to New Zealand with him. I’ll never go back to having sex the old way again. Did you know the vulva can be stimulated in ten different directions?”

Yeah, yeah, I think heard that somewhere. (Clear throat, cover crotch)

Tantra kicks my ass for a second time.

A couple of months go by, and I met this really charming woman at a seminar. We go out on a date and she tells me she an intimacy coach. She actually teaches tantra. In fact, she’s goes to India and takes month long courses on tantra.

And, I will tell you, for the first time in my life, I’m on a date with an beautiful woman, and I’m actually afraid I might have sex.

I was afraid we would be in bed together and she would say something like: “Did you know the vulva can be stimulated in ten different cosmic dimensions?”

But we didn’t go there. We end up being really good friends. I’m a slow learner, but I finally figure it out: The Universe is trying to tell me something.

So I start reading books on tantra. I took tantra classes. Did this so I could be technically better at sex. And tantra definitely helps with that. But there’s all this other stuff about Breathing and Energy—and God.


Maybe that’s part of my problem. I never brought God into the bedroom before. Unless it was “Oh, God! Oh God! Oh Gawd!’ while making my goofy face. (Fake orgasm with goofy face on stage.)

By the way, that was the Upper Middle Class Nerd Orgasm. Pretty much the only one I know.

Alright. Back to God. For most of my life, I had this concept of God as Pissed Off Old Grandpa. But over time, that changed into a loving, accepting, supportive God. Except, in the bedroom, God was still a pissed off old Grandpa. And, there’s nothing sexy about pissed off old Grandpa’s in the bedroom. No offense, sir. (Gester to the oldest guy in the room.)

But seriously, after reading these tantra books and experimenting with the energy, I’m starting to see sex and relationships in a whole new way.

Tantra is about connecting and achieving union. Sexual energy is just an access point to that. It’s not just treating a woman like she’s a goddess. It’s about loving her as Thee Goddess.

In Tantra, they even have these names of reverence for the genitals. The penis is called the “Jade Shaft” and the “Scepter of Light.” Isn’t that so much nicer than Pecker, Prick or Dick?

They call the vagina: “The Precious Gateway”, “The Golden Doorway” and “The Flower Heart.” Isn’t that cool? The clitoris is called the “The Jewel in the Crown.”

Hmmm. Just imagine the empowering pillow talk Barry White could have using words like this?(Barry White impression) Baby, oh yeah baby, I’m gonnaput my Jade Shaft into your Flower Heart and then fiddle with the Jewel in the Crown until you feel like the Queen of the Universe.

Then I had a serious revelation. Are you ready? Here it is: I believe part of this violence towards women problem stems from how we raise our children to think about sex. And it goes beyond the words we use.

As a boy growing up, I had no enlightened role models around sex. Who does? Our culture has a lot of shall “nots” around sex, but not very many shall “dos”. We don’t have giant stone statues of Gods and Goddesses and Divine Beings getting on with each like they do in India.

We have my mom saying things like: ”Sex is dirty before marriage. It’s sacred after marriage. So keep you pecker in your pants until your married. End of story.”

As a culture, we teach that sex is dirty, profane and degrading.  So, is it any wonder that we have generation after generation of boys who grow up to be men who gravitate towards sex that is dirty, profane and degrading?

What if we taught boys that sex was sacred?

What if at puberty we had a sacred ceremony, a rites of passage, where Older Men told Boys something like this:

“Son, that stirring inside you is your masculine God energy awakening within in you. That desire to procreate is also the desire to create. To learn. To love. To build your body. To dominate in a sport. To lead. To achieve. That isn’t just hormones to be denied, but nothing short of the masculine side of God expressing itself through you.

And son, one day you will meet you opposite and your complement. And she will test you in every way imaginable. But if you are able to stay open to her, the rewards will bountiful beyond measure.”

What an empowering gift that would be to young men? And what gift to women!

If sex becomes sacred to boys, will not grow up to be men who will not use sex as a weapon against women or themselves.

As said, at the beginning. It seemed like Tantra was trying to kick my ass. Now I see that Tantra just waking my ass up.

In my relationships, I’m endeavoring to see the Goddess with in them. And maybe in my looking, I’ll see God within myself.

That’s where Peace and Love, can really start to Get It On!

———-The End———-

Post Script: After I did this piece, I got a lot of attention. Female attention, which was great. Except I wasn’t able to handle it with the level of integrity that was required or was respectful for women. I felt like a rock star. My inner teenager teamed up with my libido and I nearly undid all the good that I had built in doing this show and working with V-Day.

I realized that part of my motivation in doing this piece was to get dates! When I saw that, I got some help. I actually stopped performing this piece for a year in a half until I could get my inner character in alignment with my outside persona that I was showing to the rest of the world. I’m still not perfect, I still have my bad days, but I’m way better than I used to be. I’m finally at the place where I can start performing this piece again and know I’m doing it for the right reasons.  Today, I have to remain present to the fact that a lot of women project on to me positive traits they want in a man. And I have no right to take advantage of those projections. While I do embody many of those positive traits they project, and perhaps they are more of reflection how I’m being, nonetheless, my daily practice is to grow into image that they see and who I know I can and will be. Thanks for reading.

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2 Responses to “Tantra. And how it kicked my ass…”

  1. Andrea September 4, 2009 at 8:15 pm #

    Hi Derek,

    Our lovely mutual friend Lee connected me to your work. I loved this piece and I love you for sharing it, as well as for your honesty in your p.s. I’m certain that you are right about the violence in our culture being in large measure (if not entirely) down to the fact that men don’t know how and aren’t encouraged to actually love women, to get to know them intimately on every level. It’s a fascinating and vital area of exploration, that takes us individually and collectively toward and into a more lovely reality.

    Bless your dear heart!

    • Derek Dujardin September 11, 2009 at 8:05 pm #

      Thank you so much. It took a lot of courage for me to post that. Especially the end part.

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